I’m sitting at work, counting down the clock to 4:30 and I’m listening to @iam.debbiej’s podcast “Cup of Tea” second episode, “Did someone say someone just say “therapy” and in three minutes all the triggers start to go off like it is a minefield. Palms start to sweat. The body goes into full panic mode. It starts to become hard to swallow. I text her and say “This is triggering". Her response was “I’m sorry. What exactly was triggering"? “It’s not your fault”, I say, “Partners not supporting your work, gaslighting, your partner saying they can’t be with you because you’re too ambitious and have accomplished a lot, and attaching your worth to your relationships.”

It is the last part that sent me spiraling. Attaching your worth to your relationships: good or bad. Insert DJ sound horn here. The lightbulb went off. An epiphany was had. Eureka, people, eureka! This was the moment of realization that I so desperately needed. At this moment I wanted to talk to my therapist. I needed to talk to my therapist but unfortunately, mine isn’t on call. So, here we are. I’ve been neglecting writing and this is why.

Dating, relationships, and writing I attached to my past relationship. These are the three things I avoid and fear, yet I so yearn for and are always readily available for me to have. There is a huge block in the way though. Backing my faith with action on my worth. It is not that I don’t believe I’m worthy of love, a healthy relationship, and a partner who supports all of my passions and purpose. It’s the flashbacks and the words that pop up when something arises to cause me to flee the situation.

In my past relationship and situationships, I was constantly gaslighted in various ways unbeknownst to me. I’ve had an ex get caught cheating, blame it on me, and then schedule a couples massage to get all the negative energy out of our space. I’ve had someone lie to my face about our situation to save another situation they were caught in even though all provided over a year’s worth of receipts AND to cover their tracks they were telling the other person I was a stalker. I’ve had someone I was dating tell me that I was intimidating because I had this and that degree and my shyt, so they could have sex with me but not be with me. I’ve had an ex be jealous of my best friend and constantly accuse me of us having something going on to the point where I chose to end the friendship over ending the relationship. I’ve had an ex not support me being a writer because she was jealous and intimidated by the characters I wrote in my stories. I have been belittled and laughed at in front of colleagues by an ex. I have had my hair cut with a knife. I have been put out of the house with nothing but a towel on and my wallet, phone, and keys were taken. I have been physically attacked more times than I care to mention. I have been trapped in my apartment because my front door was kicked and the lock jammed. I have had a closet mirror shattered. The police have been called for domestic violence against me yet being masculine I was accused of starting all fights. I’ve had the police called to my house for a welfare check and had to go to MHMR for an evaluation of mental stability and safety. -sigh-

That is just a summary of things I’ve endured over the last 10 years. In recent months, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection and the more I talk about things and work through them, the more lightbulbs have clicked on and clarity has been seen. I realize how I live my life is one big trauma response. I now understand why when my therapist asked me how do I celebrate myself, I couldn’t answer. Outside of shopping and helping others, everything that brings me absolute joy is tied to something traumatic in my life.

Sex. I haven’t had sex in about three years and even that experience wasn’t ideal or fulfilling. When I think about the women I’ve had sex with, 80% of those women only maintained contact for sex. Some made it clear that’s what it was and others gaslighted the entire “friendship” or “relationship” to keep those benefits. I had one woman who would pop up every couple of months with a sob story of some sort and tell me how she wished we would have worked, more self-centered bullshyt, and finally closing with “Can we fuck?” This continued even after she got married. Every time they had a problem or she felt lonely, she would call me.

Do you know what it feels like to be used for sex? Do you know how you start to question if that is the only thing you’re worthy of doing for a person? Do you know how it feels to meet someone for lunch and then them getting in your car and putting your hand in their pants, saying they're so wet, and get in the back seat so you can fuck them? Yet when it comes to building a relationship, they can get into relationships with people who beat them, belittle and demean them, and tell them that they built them into who they are and they wouldn’t be anything without them. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you know how that makes them feel? "You want to have sex?" No, thank you.

I’ve been abused on so many levels by so many people. Am I ashamed? No. Did I deserve that? No. Does it make me unworthy of receiving and having someone who will love me wholeheartedly and unconditionally? No. So, why can’t I open up and let someone in? I forgot what it felt like to receive love. I’m so used to giving and giving and giving that I became numb until I am triggered. I hate that. It doesn’t serve me well.

In late 2019, I met an amazing woman. I’m not a box checker but she checked every box I had and even added her own. I knew she was the one for me. The one I had asked the Universe for but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know anything about my trauma response and how I had correlated things to my worth. Crazy thing is, before even talking to her, I knew she was it. She brought calmness and happiness whenever I saw her face. It was her smile and her eyes that always washed over me and let me know that it was okay to let go. That’s just what I did. I jumped into it headfirst and allowed myself to love freely and flow through with how I was feeling. She confirmed my worth and saw me for me. She encouraged me and supported me. She made sure I knew that we were in this together and it was a safe place. We constantly shared our thoughts and feelings about where we were and where we wanted to go. We listened to each other and both felt seen, heard, and appreciated. I couldn’t have been happier.

That is until something beyond both our control happened and I threw myself back into isolation and shut her out. It was fight or flee for me until she had enough of the uncertainty and ghosted me. For months, I blamed her and the situation that leads us to an abrupt ending, but it was all a trauma response to how I related myself and relationships.

I am worthy of unconditional, healthy love. I am worth more than sex. I am worthy of the same time, energy, and effort that I give others. I can hold myself accountable for overlooking red flags but I will not feel shame or guilt about it. My past relationships and encounters do not define me. I can be open, yet cautious to receiving love. I will be open with my trauma and talk about it instead of fleeing or fighting so the other person is aware of my triggers. I know I am not perfect and I don’t have to be to receive love. Those who accept me will love me despite my shortcomings and will stand behind me as I continue to work on Self. I love myself and that is what matters most.

Letting go and breaking attachments is hard and most people struggle with it but I believe in you and myself. This storm won’t last always and even if it rains for days, we still see the love and light in its showers.

Love to your mind and light to your heart.

-Dreux