Finding My Tribe

“I’m looking for some bytches I can hang with/Get drunk and get faded, running ‘round hollering gang shyt/Tell me is it you, you, you/Bytch, I’m ratchet too ooo ooo/Let me know.”

Man, say. Trying to develop wholesome friendships in your 30s and beyond is trailer park trash. We live in a society where no one is held accountable nor do they have the decency of integrity, loyalty, kinship, or kindness. On top of that, everyone is okay being shallow and treading water along the social media surfaces of celebrity news, followers/likes, and who’s the new “It” factor in different communities. This is hardly my favorite place to be. 

I’ve spoken with my therapist about two bothersome factors affecting me: accountability and lack of depth. As you grow and evolve, setting boundaries and priorities for yourself, you understand what are yes, maybe, and a hard no. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone not being accountable for their actions. An apology isn't needed, but acknowledge where they were fucked up and why. A simple “You know what? Yeah, I did show up in that way and see how it affected the situation” can go a mighty long way. We are not perfect people. We make mistakes. We also must take note of the errors and the consequences of them, so we can correct them and hopefully not do them again in the future.

During the past year, I’ve had three separate complex situations with people who were close to me. All affected me in different but similar ways. To know me is to understand that I highly value my friendships and try my best to be an upstanding friend, yet I also expect the same effort in return. It’s not always reciprocated or respected. In any event, I believe that conversations can solve anything but people have to be open and willing to hold themselves accountable. They also must be willing to have uncomfortable conversations. 

In every situation, I confronted the person about how I felt and why. This is where accountability takes place and they deflected, denied, and avoided the situation altogether. This is also where I exit left. How can we nurture a friendship where we can’t be open, honest, and accountable for actions/words. We are not back in elementary where we fight on Wednesday and come to school the next day as if nothing happened. We have to have these uncomfortable conversations, whether we are saving it or walking away. We want things to be easy and simple, but we do not want to do the work to get there. 

We live in a society where it is praised and highlighted to throw people away. People get canceled right and left for the simplest things without talking about it first. The value of friendship is lost. Genuinely building friendships are a thing of the past. Nothing is of substance.

This brings me to the lack of depth in people. I vividly remember an ex-best friend saying to me “You don’t always have to be so deep.” Can you say triggered? Honestly speaking, when someone says I’m “too deep” or that I ask too many questions or go in-depth too much, it’s an insult to me. It’s telling me “How dare you to shine your light so bright when all I want is shade or darkness.” It’s very discouraging, to say the least. It just reminds me how much being me threatens people. 

I’ve had conversations with my therapist and one thing she said to me that sent me down a rabbit hole of thoughts was “Why do you put your happiness before others? The people for you will be. Find your tribe.” The people for you will be for you. This is something I learned when starting my clothing line and brand. My product, my brand, and my message won’t be for everyone. Those who it’s for will appreciate it, value it, love it, and continue to show up, hold space, and be accountable and vulnerable, all while nurturing our friendship. 

I have several close friends with whom I’ve been friends for 15+ years and I consider family and I sit and think about how those friendships developed and why it’s so difficult now to have lasting friendships. I know in those friendships there’s been several different disagreements and falling out but we always came full circle with hard conversations and the desire to move forward in love and harmony.

I’ve learned that we are all growing at different paces. We are all finding our places in this world. That it’s not one big puzzle but a bunch of random intersecting pieces who fit and don’t depending on where they are in their journey. As I continue to shine in my glory, learning and discovering myself, my boundaries, and the things I want and don’t, I pray that the people who love diving deep in the darkest of seas and encourage and welcome uncomfortable conversations find me and pour into me as I will do them. 

So, I’m looking for some kinfolk I can vibe with. Talk about emotions and aliens, traveling and vibing out as the edibles kick in. Tell me, is it you? Or you? Maybe you too?