A week ago, I was on a plane headed halfway around the country to a city where I knew a total of one person personally.

In a pandemic.

But you know what?

Fuck it.

Sometimes things happen that disturb your mind, heart, and soul. You need immediate clarity to ease your anxiety. You need to stand ten toes down and read the energy. Energy means everything to me words and actions can be misleading and manipulated. Energy does not lie, but may be confusing.

My initial reason I purchased the ticket was out of fear and impulse. For weeks, I had been on a roller coaster of emotions and had more lows with my love than highs. During some very uncomfortable conversations, I realized that my inability to honestly and effectively communicate my true feelings had pushed her away. My repeated declarations of "Fuck it. We should be friends" to her translated to me saying she was in the friend zone. That was and still is the furthest thing from the truth. I am deeply in love with this woman, yet I couldn't convey that to her because of fear, shame, and grief. Did I know all of that at the time? No, I didn't. I honestly didn't know what was going on with me, but I knew one thing: I wasn't losing the woman who I manifested.

The days leading up to my trip, the conversations were strained between her and me. I would check-in, send morning and night messages, and just general texts because she was on my mind. She would reply when she wanted. It was hard to swallow. I was used to talking to her all day and she responds right away. I had lost her attention. My anxiety was on a thousand.

So many questions and concerns began to flood my thoughts. "Why was my love ignoring me?" "Why did she say she wanted me in her life when her actions weren't displaying it?" "Was she giving her attention and care to the new person she was seeing?"Why doesn't she tell me how she feels or provides boundaries for me?"

I was a hot ass mess. I would talk to my friends. They would ask me why I was going on this trip if she didn't seem invested like I was. I needed to go and get my woman back. Period. However, things started to change. That submerging feeling rushed back. I started thinking about what I wanted out of this trip. I was traveling to a city alone, complete with the understanding that I very well might not even see my love. I had to shift my focus.

I've never traveled alone. There are so many layers of fear attached to traveling alone for me. My fear of getting lost, fear of being harmed, fear of something going wrong. The fear of my tribe not knowing where I am and being able to get there if I need them. The fear of being alone was the scariest. That fear caused me not to trust myself or trust that I could have just as much fun as I would with anyone.

By that Thursday, my entire perspective had changed. I boarded that plane not intending to save a relationship with my love, but with unpacking the relationship that I had with myself. This trip turned out to be a very pivotal point in my life. By facing my fear and showing up for myself when no one else could, it opened the door to face every other issue I had been neglecting to see.

I prepared for the trip by Googling all the transportation apps I would need to navigate the city. I looked up different things to do that weekend. I gave myself permission to venture out and not stick to an itinerary. Hell, I even walked in the rain with no jacket, umbrella, or anything on my head. I allowed myself to be and to take on whatever came my way.

I, in turn, used this method to start repairing my relationship with myself. I admitted out loud that I needed help. I researched several therapists for my journey of healing and unpacking buried trauma. I started journaling and doing a lot of shadow work. I asked my close friends how have I showed up with them over the past year and change. I listened as I learned that how I showed up with my love is how I had been showing up with those around me. The more I reflected and allowed myself to feel every emotion, the more I become open and vulnerable with dealing with grief, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, aloneness, and my problems with remembering things.

This experience is an exhilarating, yet intensely terrifying, but I swallow that fear. The more I talk to people about how I'm feeling, whether it's like a 90s Mary J. Blige song or as a savage, I make sure I verbally express what I am feeling in the moment. I've learned that I'm sensitive to how people receive me and talk to me. My whole "raw and brutally blunt" attitude is a defense mechanism of my childhood environment. At 37 years old, I understand and can admit that I hate being talked down to, my thoughts or experiences invalidated, and people perceiving me as an asshole. With hating those things, I understand my part in them as well. I am learning how to be more accountable for past actions, but not taking full responsibility for situations. I know that despite my role in things, I am not only to blame. We all have individual parts. I recognize myself in every encounter. I know there's a long list of people where accountability conversations are needed. I'm ready.

From here on out, I'm operating from a place of "if I feel it, then fuck it." I'm jumping head first in being vulnerable, being open and verbalizing feelings, and saying fuck fear. As time goes by and I continued to unpack and do the work, I know the journey to redefining and loving myself will become easier. So, if you feel it, then fuck it and follow your intuition and that voice from your soul (not to be confused with ego). I promise you'll feel lighter and happier. I know I'm starting to.