These last couple of days, I have been in isolation. These last couple of months, I have been in transformation. I have a set of three glyphs on my right shoulder that read: Transform, Transition, Transcend. These symbols have been tattooed on my body for about 7 years and although they served a purpose when I got them, they mean more to me now than ever before. Around Thanksgiving of 2020, I began to feel indifferent. Like a slight disconnect from the world. Things around me were changing. I was changing. Conversations and interactions begin to hit differently. I wasn’t sure what or what but I knew that something drastic was simmering up inside me.

It’s been roughly four and a half months and a lot of major changes have taken place. One thing for sure change is that I started placing boundaries with everything that made me uncomfortable or mistook my worth. I began to use my voice differently and make sure I was heard and respected when enforcing my boundaries. I began to notice that by doing this, I started to see people slip away. I learned that accountability sounded good when it’s being placed on someone else besides the person being held accountable.

I also started to look at how I show up for people vs. how they show up for me. I’ve been in Texas for 10 years and not one of my friends had come to visit me until February of this year. I was in Texas for 5 years before my family came to visit and that was only because Atlanta Falcons was in the Superbowl and I lived in Houston that year. Every time I come home, my phone blows up with people asking to see me, hang out, etc. and every time I leave they ask when I’m coming back.

I take notice when I’m not initiating communication, my phone is dry. I get frustrated when I receive messages like “Are you okay?” or “It feels like you’ve been disconnected” when I fall back and stop reaching out to people. It makes me uncomfortable when I tell people that I need a break from them and seem confused about why. I have a regularly frustrated friend with receiving the bare minimum with friends, family, business associates, and romantic interests. She said she felt like she had explained her needs accurately and simplified enough where there should be no confusion as to how she wants someone to show up for her. She was so frustrated that someone just wasn’t getting it and how that even the bare minimum seemed to be a problem. I felt her frustration. Every word sliced through me and bleed out because that’s exactly how I’ve felt for a long time.

Recently, I’ve started asking people why they want to be my friend. Why do they want me in their life? I ask these questions because 1. I want to check in and make sure that we are still on the same page and 2. I need to know that my worth, effort, energy, and commitment to that friendship are heard, seen, and valued. I think people get too comfortable and forget that friendships are equal to relationships and the energy and effort you put into it never stops. You have to keep the momentum going and in many situations, I’ve been the only one intentionally pushing forward.

I’m exhausted. My wants and needs have not changed but I’ve changed how I allow people to show up for me. I’ve always given grace but I’ve now learned to create space. It’s not easy letting people go but it’s much harder to drag them along and keep them where they don’t want to be. I want to grow and transcend beyond our wildest dreams. I’m an active friend that needs active friends. Lowering my expectations and riding the wave of low vibrations are things I can no longer do. Value and importance are mutual. If it’s not met together, I no longer want to be a part of it.

Transform- to change in form or structure. Transition- a sudden unprepared modulation. Transcend- to rise above or go beyond.

I wasn’t prepared for this transition but I’ve transformed into a more conscious and aware person who seeks to transcend with those intentional about growing and elevating with me. I can no longer carry anyone else. It’s been so heavy to endure and carry.