I had to forgive myself when I wasn’t myself
Imagine going through your phone deleting pictures and videos to make space and you come across a video that you don’t recall. The video is the love of your life telling you that you are the embodiment of everything they’ve ever wanted in a partner. You watch the video about five times and check the date on the video because 1. You’re 100% positive that you’ve never seen the video 2. You don’t know how it’s even saved 3. You don’t know how you and LOYL aren’t together after listening to her confession.
In your state of confusion, you send the video to LOYL and tell them you have questions. You explain that you have zero recollection of the video and want to know why y’all aren’t together after that. She informs you that you responded to the video by tearing it and her apart. She even finds text messages and reads them to you. As you sit and listen to her recall of the events that happened after that video, you start to understand how and why y’all are where y’all are now.
Your world starts to turn gray. You start to blame yourself. You tell yourself that you’re the dumb ass who received what you had been begging for and threw it away. The negative self-talk is running rampant and you are quickly spiraling into a deep hole of self-pity. That is until you hear “Show yourself some grace. Speak kindly to yourself.”
Often when we realize how we showed up in a situation negatively, we tend to tear ourselves down and rip ourselves apart. We are our biggest critics and don't offer ourselves the grace that we need to grow and learn from our life lessons. We overthink situations and forget that we live in the present. What's done in our past is something that we can only look acknowledge, identify, and change how we show up from that point on.
Show yourself some grace. You are not perfect nor are you striving to be. You are actively working on identifying your triggers, unpacking your trauma, and developing solutions to become a better you. So, instead of tearing yourself down, build yourself up. Tell yourself that the ugly space you were in before was only temporary. You may have been the destruction in the storm but you are far from being a total disaster. Salvage what you can and rebuild something greater than you've ever imagined. Remember that in doing the work, you first have to extend compassion to yourself and know that you are forever evolving and creating your best self.
Amor's Self-love mantra:
I am no longer allowing the past to hold me back or weigh me down. I am worthy of love despite my shortcomings. I give myself room to make errors but not to give up. I forgive myself for all actions, thoughts, and beliefs that led to the betrayal of the soul. I extend myself grace because I know my flaws are only a small part of me. This forgiveness cleanses my heart and mind. Every day, I am growing, learning, and moving in the right direction. I am kind, gentle, and extend grace to myself when I need it most. I am the love I wish to have.