Triggers

Have you ever been minding your business and all of a sudden a word, a phrase, a song, a smell, or an action punches you in the throat? You know, the heart-wrenching feeling you get or the lump in your throat that forms when something happens or is said. Triggers of trauma. Something we all have and endure that hits you like a freight train unannounced.

These past few days have been very triggering for me. I have a situation where the actions of the person is inconsistent and it reminds me of another situation where I was being used for my time, energy, and resources. It makes me very uncomfortable and I don’t know exactly what to say to the person who is doing these things. I go back and forth about how I feel and sometimes I even make excuses for how I feel but at the end of the day I feel horrible.

I struggle with knowing how to show up for myself first and for others second when it comes to people I love and care about. I often find myself pouring into those who aren’t in the right state or do not embody the capacity to reciprocate the effort. No, I take that back. These people are more than capable and have to capacity. It’s all about seeing the worth and value in someone to want to reciprocate those things back. That’s where triggers happen for me.

I was once involved with a person I cared about who only showed up when she needed me in some kind of way: emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or financially. She abused our friendship, time, energy, and compassion over and over and I allowed it until I didn’t. I had to learn how to removed myself from that draining situation and realize that you can’t be nice or kind to everyone because some people are hella selfish and manipulative. She only showed up when she was being abused, when she wasn’t getting attention from her wife, when she wanted to have sex, when she needed money for her bills or other things. She never was truly interested in knowing how I was and what was going on with me. It was very one sided. She wanted to carry on a friendship but she was incapable of even knowing what that looked like let alone executing the action. Insert triggers: blame, shame, and guilt.

Showing up for others comes to me effortlessly. I have certain boundaries with people that are outside my circle of love and sometimes having boundaries for those inside gets a little blurry. I’ve noticed that my boundaries for those in my inner circle can be fluid and I find myself being the one who always extends effort, time, and energy. Or in other situations, I find myself being the back-up when someone isn’t getting attention or time with their chosen person.

It never feels good in either situation. It doesn’t feel good when people you care about don’t take the time to show their effort or even know how to pour into you. I have people in my life that don’t call or text to check up on me, but will call when they need something. Or will reach out and ask why haven’t they heard from me when I set my boundary and back up.

We all have had these experiences and have these types of people in our lives. At what point do we say “enough is enough” and pour what we were pouring into them, into ourselves? We deserve our cup to overflow with self-love, appreciation, and care. What about those who actually pour into use continuously without having to be reminded? Why isn’t that energy being redirected to give them a little more love?

Currently, I have no answers because as I am typing this I am still processing my triggers and how they are affecting me. There’s love in this thunderstorm. I just have to see it.